Beauty Giggles

Once or thrice a year I stock up on beauty supplies*.  Today I got my latest order from ULTA.

They're very big on the Free Gift with Purchase and all sorts of coupons and deals.**

• My shampoo came with a free screw top pump. 
• A purchase of a certain amount came with a free bag of samples and full-size makeups.
• And every purchase online comes with a sampler of samples.
• Oh, and a random $3.50 coupon and free shipping.

Really, though, the bonus is giggling.

"Better Than Sex" mascara. Sorry folks, no. This isn't even apples to oranges. It's apples to carburetors.
(My eyelashes do look pretty luxurious, though.)

The pinkish envelope claims to remove blackheads and SEAL PORES. Um, I'm pretty sure you aren't supposed to do that, because it sort of defeats the whole porous porosity of pores.

The gray envelope claims to be moisturizing lotion with sunscreen and a gender requirement and a lot of punctuation.
HIGH TECH. HIGH PERFORMANCE. SKINCARE FOR MEN. ONLY.***

Would using this product give me testicles?

The little tube is an all-in-one beauty balm. Nothing too remarkable about it, but they thoughtfully chose a complexion. Not mine. Huh. I got to choose what color gift bag I wanted (the bright pink above, or an orange), but not what colors I might want on my face. The included eyeliner might be useful for a peacock look, though.

My actual purchases, thankfully, are quite wonderful. The unscented hairspray appears to be unscented. And the diffuser? My understated blow dryer now resembles a megaphone. With horns. 

Awesome.

*Sometimes I even remember to use them.

**Two coupons came with my order.  $5 off any $15 purchase, and $5 off any ULTA Brand $10 purchase. 

***That's trademarked, by the way.